27 October 1999

I have finished my book. It tells a good story but I still don't know how it ends. The author has put one story in four books. Few questions have been answered and it could be over a year before it is released to the public.

A year - So much is going to happen in the next year. I am going to be without my dh for what will seem like forever. Nearly a year. I know I will be kept busy, but I am frightened.

What if he doesn't come back? What if something happens to him? What if he doesn't love me anymore after being separated for so long? I guess this will be a test of our true love.

When was the last time I was alone? I guess it was when I left my first husband, but I wasn't really alone. I suppose I won't be alone this time either. I'll have my dear family and their kids. Definitely not alone. But I shall be lonely.

Was I lonely after Tim? No -I was the reason for that separation. It was my choice and it was the best choice. This separation is because the US army wills it so. It is neither of our choices. It will be hell.

I guess I will sub, read my books and spend time online. SCA, too, may be a bit of sanity. Or could it make it worse? My newfound love for the Goddess will be my only true solace. My strength.

I'm going to have to change my mind set. I must learn to be strong and have patience. Oh Dear Goddess, a whole YEAR almost! How can I be strong for that?

I need to find positive aspects to this dismal outlook. I MUST!

I guess I will be back in the states - Near friends and family. Will that be enough? Why am I so dependent on my dh? I need to stand and be my own woman. I don't want to rely solely on anyone but myself. I can use this time to find myself - know myself better. Can I do this? It's not a choice. I must.

It's not that I don't love my dh, I do, but maybe I have become too reliant on him. I need to see if I can still stand on my own. Life is what you make it, yet if something happens to my dh, I will need to go on. I need to find myself again in order to do this. My choice is to share my life with him, but not to live my life FOR him. Does that make sense? We are a couple, together in all ways, but we are still separate people. It is best to retain that individuality at the same time sharing everything. Since I no longer was teaching here, I seem to lost some of my identity. All I have right now is my dh. There isn't much choices here, for jobs or for anything that is my own. He will have his "war", now I must move to the next level to prepare for our life once he returns.

Perhaps I can go to college. That always seems to keep me busy. I could test my feet in the area of a school counselor.

Blessed Be.