26 May 2001

I've been thinking about why I haven't been doing rituals, lately. I may have stumbled upon a possible answer.
When I was Catholic, I only prayed for things I wanted or needed. When I started worshiping the Goddess, I've always had things to be grateful for. Although I still have many things to be grateful for, (my son, my husband, my home) I am needy. I need a job, I need money to pay bills, I need to know that there is hope for the future (as in actually OWNING a home, and being able to provide for my child(ren)).

I was always comfortable asking the Christian God for help. Only because I knew it would never happen and that He was too busy to listen. But now, as I learn about the Goddess and perform rituals for her, results have been wondrous. When things were good, and I would perform a ritual of thanks, things always seemed to get better. I was able to let Her know that things were good, and then I would ask for protection or safety or even guidance on an issue in my life.

Sadly, I guess I am frightened to ask for help. I am worried that I may ask for the wrong thing, or that it is not what is needed for me to continue my life's journey, and I guess I am scared of the answers I may discover. My life dream is to teach. What if that is not what I am supposed to do, and I need to start all over. That terrifies me. I've played with the idea of being a student counselor, but I would like to teach for a while before making a decision like that. I don't want to find out that I will never teach, and I don't want to be hurt by that. So, I guess I am shying away from asking the Goddess for help and guidance in this. I always thought I would have a teaching job by now, or at least on lined up for next year.

Things are so topsy turvy. My husband hates his job, so he wants me to go to work. He doesn't care where, he just wants me to make the money to pay the bills while he stays home and cares for our son. This, too, scares me. I'm sure he would do a great job, but unless I'm there, I worry that something won't be done right.

I suppose I need to sit down and meditate to discover my best plan of action. I need to know what kind of job I can handle, because there are many jobs that I'm not willing to do, and that upsets my husband. I absolutely can NOT work at Western Wireless, where I would be answering phones about cell phones or something. It is just something that I feel I cannot do. I am scared, and I don't know what to do. I suppose I will work someplace that I hate just to pay bills, but if I hate it, I worry about what my home life will be like. I worry that my husband will continue to see me as a "quitter" and be disappointed in me. I keep telling him that I've done my time in college, and I shouldn't have to settle for a job that I will hate. He doesn't like that, tho, and says that he was in the military for 10 years and didn't like it, but he stayed in for me.. and now it is my turn.

I really need to find a way to get past this, and I know if I would just ask for help, it would come. But I am afraid that it won't be the type of help I'm wanting. This is making me weak and terrible, and stressed. I am being selfish, and I need to stop that, but I don't know how to work past it.

A good friend online is sending job energies to me today. Perhaps that will help. Perhaps it will give me energies to move past this block so that I can return to the light of the Goddess. I need to return. I am so lost and alone right now and I know what I need to do to fix it, but why won't I just do it? I don't know. I am empty. I know how to be full again, if I will just take that step.

Goddess, please help me to take that step. I am so scared.

Blessed Be.