October 8 2002

I stopped smoking.

Again.

On Friday evening…. (which made Sat evening really interesting, but that is a WHOLE other story!! : )

Why? Well, cuz of money.
Supposedly cuz of health, (but I didn’t show any difference the last times, why should I this time?)
And of course, because of my son.

Right now I am battling these reasons. Money, yes, money is tight right now, but will it always be? What will keep me from starting again?

Health? Ya, well… There really hasn’t been a problem there.. (knock on wood)

My son. That is a good reason, but then, I was not smoking around him, anyway. So, does that really make a difference?

So, I’m sitting here, driving home, DYING for a cigarette, and I’m like, well, WHY should I bother quitting? Maybe just slowing down to one or two a day like I did before. But why QUIT? My hubby will be doing drill this weekend. What’s to keep him from having a cigarette then. That’s when the stress is worst on me.. when he is gone, so why the hell can’t I just have one or two?

Then it came to me. I remember from a class I took in Germany while Michael and I were trying to quit the first? second? time.

Rewards. I need to find something to reward myself with. The money that I don’t spend on cigarettes can be spent on ME!

Okay, now to make my list..

Movies, books, oh yeah! (I just added a wish list to Amazon dot com!! :)

What else…. jewelry? a new watch? BOS stuff.. now there is a good idea! I need some new stuff for rituals… I could treat myself to herbs every week or so, until I have built up a nice collection. Perhaps I could eventually grow some, but it is fall now, so starting a garden would not prally work. That and the fact I have a brown thumb anyway.. :(

Bath oils… oooooo perhaps Lilac or Lavender
anything witchcrafty…

Shit. I just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine. I do believe I royally pissed him off. I didn’t mean to, but I did. Basically I said everything that was on here and he kept going on and on about health, so I brought up the fact that there has never been some real proof that smoking causes lung cancer… some smokers get it, some don’t, weird huh. Anyway, it really pissed him off. And I was like, so, that is all I need was holier than thou and how I wouldn’t feel any better for at least a year. Oh mighty know it all. Yes, a fucking year. No, that is not what it says in the journals, in the reports in the reasons why a person should quit. Improvements are supposed to be immediate, but if they are not, perhaps I wasn’t as bad off, or perhaps I wasn’t doing it right, (hmmm, I THOUGHT I was inhaling… *eg *)

Anyway, sitting there saying that I wouldn’t notice any difference for at least a year. NO. He has never smoked, he hasn’t read the pamphlets, and he has not earned the right to be knowledgeable in this area to help me out. No. Sorry, I love him dearly, but goddamit, this is one time that being right or wrong doesn’t matter. I need his support and his friendship, not his arguemtns why I should stay a non-smoker. I don’t need that. I know the reasons, I know the way I feel. I don’t care about anything, and dammit, yes I am selfish, but this is for me and for my son. I just want friends who will stand by me. NOT preach at me. I could never handle preachers.

Blessed Be!