12 August 2001

I'm starting to get scared. What if I can't really teach? What if the administration do not like how I teach? All kinds of crazy thoughts are running through my head. *sigh*

It's just not fair. I love to teach, I know I usually do a good job, but now that school starts in three days I sadly start to doubt myself. It's not like I don't have a plan, if I do fail. I can easily go back to college to be a high school counselor or something like that. (Okay, maybe it wouldn't be THAT easy, with the bills and such of going back to school, but theoretically it would be easy. I enjoy college - just not TEACHING college)

I don't know why I worry now. I had finished a couple of weeks of lesson plans, then Friday, admin gives us this book and says that this is idealistic. Then they also tell us (us = new teachers) that they want discipline plans, class rules and class management policies showed to them before classes start this week. Why oh why didn't they tell us that sooner? AND this book that they gave us is great. But now I feel I need to go back and change everything!!!

No longer am I as prepared as I thought. No longer is my first day of class ready to go. Now, I have just a few days to redo everything and during those few days I need to go to meetings, inservice and another orientation!

Well, I guess I just need to buckle down and do the best I can. The night before classes start, I'm going to do my energizing bath ritual that I performed before my interview and wash away all negativity. It worked then, hopefully it will work again!

I know that if I am supposed to be a teacher, I will. If I am supposed to be a counselor, then I wasn't meant to be a teacher. I'm thirtysomething years old. I would have thought to know by now what my niche is, but I guess that learning really DOESN"T stop at thirty (or any other age)

Why am I writing this? I always ask myself that. Well, wanted to see it in words. Wanted to ask for prayers and thoughts and candles. Maybe not reassurances, but I guess this is just another way to prove I am human. Another way to open myself up to judge and be judged, even if it is only by myself. I will know prally within the next few months if I can do it, but maybe I won't even admit to myself if something isn't right..

Well, thanks for listening,

Blessed Be!