10 July 2000
We survived premature labor, total bed rest, and other worrisome things, but now, thank the goddess, little Kevin has arrived safely!
During the past few months, I was unable to have any rituals, yet I always remembered each holiday and full moon. I may not have truly been able to celebrate, but I believe that the goddess understood my situation.
Sunday, there will be a full moon. I hope that my husband will be understanding, as this will be the last full moon in Germany, and I want to spend one last night at my special grove. I have so much I want to thank the goddess for, but of course, I cannot leave my son for too long, since I am breastfeeding. I hope the weather warms up or at least that it is not raining. It has been so long since I've been to my grove, that I may actually need a flashlight to get there, unless, if it pleases the goddess, the night is clear and her light shows me the way, one final time.
A part of me feels guilty that I have missed so many special celebrations during the past few months. I do believe that the goddess understands, but I must work on forgiving myself. I had my books and my silent prayers and semi-rituals from my bed, but looking back, I wish I had done more, although I don't know what more I could have safely done. I don't think anything would have happened to my son, but at the time, I just wanted to protect him and keep him safe. The best way to do that was to follow doctor's orders and remain in bed.
I keep thinking that maybe I should have asked my husband to become more involved, but he isn't comfortable with it yet… which is interesting, because he was interested before I even knew him. His path is different than mine, he just hasn't taken the jump from learning to experimenting yet. I did not want to do anything that made him uncomfortable.
Next month, I will be in Oklahoma. I hope I can find a suitable place there for my rituals, etc. I was so lucky here to find this grove, so near my home that I could walk. Of course, knowing so few people here kept questions to a minimum. In fact, I don't think anyone ever saw me or wondered. If they did, it was kept to themselves. Now that I am moving to a small town, it is going to be much more difficult. I really doubt I will be able to walk out of my apartment without someone noticing me. Perhaps, I will need to take the car.. IF my husband will let me. I believe that there is a group that meets on full moons and holidays, but I am still most comfortable being solitary. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens. The goddess will help me find a way.
Another thing I am uncertain about. How does my temporary inability to perform rituals and celebrate the goddess affect my education which was to last a year and a day. I will need to seek advice to learn if I must start the process over again. I guess that is something that I will have to wait and see upon.
Well, it feels good to be back, and I have so much planned for Sunday night. I just hope I can squeeze it all in and still be home in time to feed my son! (I really doubt my husband would be understanding if I took a three week old baby with me... but it would be perfect.)
Blessed Be!
