October 24 2003

Greetings!
It has been an interesting time since I last left a message here...

I have been a bitch.
But then, I've always been good at that.

I've gotten reacquainted with an old friend...

It seems that I have a bad habit of affecting people's lives. Or just sticking my nose where it doesn't belong.

I never learn. Past history is now showing that I have left a large impact, even though I tried not to, and now, I am doing it again. Except today, I went the other route, probably pissing this friend off forever. I don't need a repeat of history. Not that there would have been, and I have been warned.. but then, when have I ever heeded warnings.. Not I. I must make my own mistakes...

Which reminds me of yet another person whose life was abruptly changed because of me... who now, will not email me or anything, although I miss his presence and his emails, in a sense, I guess I led him on. At least he learned. That is good. I do miss you, Omar... I deserve the treatment that you leaves me with, although if I could choose, there would be a change in who would still speak with me.. or perhaps not. Perhaps it is, as always was, my preference to have as many friends near me as possible. Perhaps a part of me is using them as a protective coat for when my current "lover" decides that he can't deal with my inconsistancies, my temper, (and temperment), and attitude. My jealousies, especially, are an issue, but when a person has been consistantly hurt as I have, screwed around on, etc., then it leaves a person overly cautious and still extremely vulnerable.

So, now I deal with females who still "love" my boyfriend. Who he has no feelings other than friendship for, but yet, he can't allow himself to tell them that. In a way, he misleads them.. or is he misleading me? I don't know. I love him, but if he can't make a committment to me, then I've told him that he needs to release me. That we need to go our separate ways. I am biding time. I am enjoying time with him right now.. We are having some really great times together, doing things, talking about things, learning things, watching football, taking care of my son, just being together... Things are good right now, no pain, no stress... just worried about one of these females weaning their way into his heart and stealing him from me... although he says it wouldn't happen.
My ex said that he never would and never did sleep around on me, either...

Life makes it so tough to believe people. And I am stuck, with someone who is hurt that I don't "trust" him, yet he feels no need to make a committment because he isn't sure that is right... or that he is ready..

Now I find out my ex may be getting married. Soon. I don't know if Tracy is pregnant or not.. but that would be my guess. Just getting married, I could deal with.. if she is pregnant, how will this affect my son, whom my ex has residential custody of... Will this mean I can file for residential custody? Is it a possibility?

So, I sit here, contemplating how my existance has affected others. The pain I have caused. The love I have caused. The suffering and the exisitance... (my son of course). No one could ever say that I have not left my mark. Friends, lovers and students... all will be just a little bit different because of me.. or not different, but thoughts were affected, a bit of life, a bit of love a bit of the future.

Isn't it a wonderous thing to know how we affect lives? Isn't a wonderous thing, to know... but isn't it also a dangerous thing? Do we not realize how much of an impact we can have? Especially on our children or young adults that we interact with? NOt only our own children, but others as well? Isn't it fascinating? Isn't it overwelming?

I love the life that I have made for myself. I love the life that has now been offered to my Goddess. I know that She has made the largest impact of anything.. and I know that because of Her, I look at things in a whole new way.

Perhaps, I have learned from my experiences, perhaps these things were actually meant to happen to these people and they were expected to learn from them. I guess it isn't up to me how I affect people's lives, it is only up to me to be me, and to live and learn and love.

And I'm damn good at that.

Blessed Be!