4 May 2002

What do I want?

What a fun question. I guess we ask this of ourselves off and on through out life. Well, if we don’t then there is something wrong and we are not growing as humans.

What do I want?

Right now, I want a job that I can feel confident in. One that I enjoy and don’t have to worry about constantly. Teaching is such a public field with none of the benefits that politicians have but all of the downfalls. It’s just not fair. I want to teach. I want to make a difference.

At home.

Right now, I just want my husband to be home. I don’t want him gone on the weekends. I now the military is a good thing. I know it makes him feel better, and for the most part it has improved his mood and has given him a sense of well being.. but… I still would like to have the weekends with him again.

Sure, summer is almost here.. Until August, but if I have a new job, and it is journalism, then once again, I will only have weekends.. and he won’t have those. So, we will be back in the same boat.

Which leads me to the next thing that I want.

I want him to understand that teaching is not a 9-5 (or 8-3) job. Not for me, anyway. Not when I want to do so much. Not when I want to make a difference. Maybe when I’m older and have gotten the hang of things, I will have more normal hours of working, but I am still new at it, and until I have tenure, I will be working those extra hours, doing those extra things that are so visual and necessary to being a good teacher that a school will want to keep around until retirement.

We have had this same discussion before, when I was teaching in Germany. In Germany, I was only part-time, so I still had the afternoons to do all the extra work, but sometimes the hours extended into the evenings. He got mad on those days too, but now he says that I am only hurting my son since I am working late. Then, he accused me of being a bad mother. I am not a nurturing person. I can admit that, but dammit, I think that I am a good mother!

So, we need to find a happy medium, where he can understand that I cannot properly teach or hope to keep a teaching job unless I put in those extra hours. IF I get a job closer to home, I can come home, spend time with my boy(s) then go back after my little one goes to bed. But then, that will prally leave my hubby wondering if there is someone else on the side or something stupid like that. Unless he can be comfortable with my job, the only option I see left is quitting, and I don’t think he sees that as an option. He thinks I just need to come home earlier. No if ands or buts. Dammit. Why can’t he see it from where I am coming from? Why does everything just have to be so black and white with him. What in the world should I do?

Goddess, Give me strength!

Blessed Be!!