19 February 2002

On Feb 6, I found out I was not really pregnant after all. Pregnant, yes, or so my body thought. But there was no baby. Just a sac. No baby. Again.

I was doing fine. I don’t know what happened today. But something did. Maybe it was just because I’ve had a bad day. Heh, actually, it was just a bad last 10 minutes of the day. Or at least that was the only time I noticed anything. Junior class pix got screwed up because a student (a junior even) forgot to bring the camera back to school. I KNOW I asked this morning about it, but when no one was concerned, I just figured it was in someone’s locker. Nope. All the juniors were called out of classes 5-10 minutes early to have their pix taken. BUT, no camera. And I didn’t find out until it was too late. I didn’t mean to lie to the V.P. but when she came wanting to know what was up, I simply said it was “done”. I guess I’m done. I don’t know what is going to happen. Maybe nothing. But today wasn’t the only day that I’ve been in trouble. I forgot the time and missed a meeting Monday morning. Yup. This week has not been off to a good start.

So, now I wonder if I’m just upset about the happenings this week, or if my miscarriage and concluding D&C is finally catching up to me. I really don’t know. My husband went to SCA fighter practice. I finally put my boy down for the night. I just feel mechanical. I didn’t want to eat, (I did a little) and now I finally got off my butt to write this. I want to drink alcohol, but I don’t want the headache afterwards. I’m prally smoking too much, but the only thing that does is make my chest hurt. So someday I’m going to die of lung cancer. Goddess I hope not. I hope I can stop smoking soon.

So, now I sit here. Alone. Trying to put my feelings into words.

I also feel like I strayed away from the Goddess. Not that I don’t believe anymore, but I haven’t completed a ritual in months. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I miss Germany. Maybe it is not so much of missing the place, but missing my ritual grove and the doctors who were with me through my first two losses. I just feel all alone. Lonely. There is that commercial on TV that talks about how everyone wants to be alone sometimes, but no one wants to be lonely. I am lonely. I am longing for something, and I don’t know what. Stability, maybe. It would be nice to know that I had a job that would have me around forever. My old job really made me doubt myself, sometimes. Sometimes I am strong, other times I am not.

It doesn’t really matter right now. My husband is finishing college, then he is back in the military as an officer. Until then, he is in the National Guard. I may not be staying here anyway. I was living here thinking that I was building my future, planning a home, etc. and now it seems that that is going to change too. I used to like change. What has changed about me that I am uncomfortable with it now? Is it because the changes happened all at once? Maybe. I think that may be a big part of it, actually. First, we planned for a baby, then there was none. Meanwhile, my husband was truly considereing going back into the military, and now he has. As a cadet in ROTC, but that is all the same to me. I am going to be an officer’s wife. At one time, the thought gave me pleasure. Now, I don’t know what the future will bring. Maybe that is hitting me too. I’m scared. I’m all alone. And I’m lonely.

Don’t you just love the dark depressions winter brings?

Blessed Be!!!