September 1999

In a little over two months, my husband will be going to Kosovo. I don't want him to go, but that is normal. Nobody wants to be separated from the one they love.

I have been with my husband now for over five years, But we've only been married for four years. This will be the first time I have ever been apart from him for a long period of time. And a long time it shall be.

I am scared. So many bad things could happen to him, but then, things like that can happen, anytime, anywhere.

I always thought of myself as fairly independent. I know how to take care of myself, I can survive on my own. But I don't want to be alone.

It scares me that I am so dependent on him that I am terrified of his leaving. In my mind, I know that I will survive the next year, but my heart pounds with fear.

So much will change. It will have to, I mean, life goes on. He will be doing his job and I will be starting mine, probably in a whole new place, with new people and new responsibilities.

Maybe that is what scares me too. I always liked to think of myself as willing and able to change, but then one day (I was bored) and I read what my horoscope says for people Taurus born. Surprisingly, much of it was accurate, but then I came to the part where it said that I did not like change and I would do whatever I could to prevent it.

At first, I thought it was horribly wrong, but then I started thinking about it and maybe it wasn't so wrong. I think change does scare me.

So, what can I do? My army husband must go to war, and we both decided it would be best for me to go ahead and set up a home where we wish to go once he ETS's. In less than one year's time, he will be out of the army and back with me. I will need to have a job by then or we would never survive the sudden lack of a paycheck.

Therefore, I must do something. I cannot sit here on my butt and whine, so I must get on with what will be. And that is our life AFTER the military.

I suppose it is normal to be afraid, and normal to wish he wasn't leaving or that I didn't have to move to our new place without him, but since it must be done, I must do it.

What happens now? What happens later, I don't even know. But what will be, will be, And as Speedy says in the Talisman, All Will Be Well, and All Manner of Things Will Be Well.

So now all that is left is my state of mind, my strength and my needs.
I need to be strong, but I'm not.
I need to understand, but I don't.
I need to be happy, but I'm sad.
I need to look to the future, but it scares me.
I need to cry, but I won't.
I need to be brave, but I'm not.
I need to make it easier for him, but I don't think I can.
I need him to stay home, but he can't.
I need to go on, and I will,
I won't be happy.
But we will make it.
It will be so.

Return to my Military Page

Go back to my Home page